Working together as a family.

I have a strong belief that families should work together in the home. Whether you are outside doing yard work or inside doing daily chores, a family that works side by side bond. Parents should teach their children to learn to work because it is the whole family's responsibility.  We all live in the house, use the materials in the house and all make messes, so we should all work together to make it clean.  When I was younger my parents expected me to get my chores done before I went to play with my friends. Growing up my family has always planted a garden.  I really enjoyed planting the vegetable plants together and really felt connected as a family.  It was fun to pick them out of the garden with my brother and help cut them up for dinner.  I felt like a part of something when I helped grow, pick and cut the family meal.  Working as a family is a very important aspect in a family.  You learn responsibility but it is also a time to bond as a family.

Parenting

A child watches everything you do! Be sure to be an example!!

(If you don't have time to read this whole post.. at least watch the video at the end! (: It's worth

watching!!)

So this week we've been learning more about parenting and I realized, in order to be effective parents you must work together as a couple.  This may mean sitting down together each week as a couple and talking about ways you can improve together when it comes to child rearing and also being sure all of the children’s needs are being met.  There are five needs that every person has.  These needs are, 1) Contact and belonging, 2) Power 3) withdrawal 4) Protection and 5). Challenge.  Consider what things you are doing to meet these needs . If all of these basic needs are being met for the children, then consider the individual needs the children might have.  But along with getting with your spouse and talking about how you can best help the children, you should make sure that your marriage is being strengthened and that your spouse is getting all of their needs met.  If your marriage is deteriorating and isn’t very strong, it effects the way that you parent.  Let your spouse and your children know that you appreciate them.  Tell them why you love them.

In other classes I have been learning how much a divorce can and children living with blended families can really have a negative effect on children.  They do not do as well in school when this is going on.  It has been researched that it is known that divorce can have more of a negative effect on a child than a parent’s death.  That is quite an effect that divorce can have.  I repeat, it is very, very important that you strengthen your family so that your children can have the best family and home environment possible.  Parenting can be a lot better when your marriage is stable.  It is such much better to do it right the first time.  And if for some reason, it doesn’t happen to go right the first time and you do happen to get a divorce, it is not the end. Sometimes circumstances don’t permit things to go the way you want.  In this case still parent your children the best that you can and give your children as much of you as you can. 

Parenting is very important.  Children and family really do matter.  Do not take these matters lightly.  Your children and your family deserve the best!  Make sure to give them your time and your effort, even if you feel you don’t have either.  While you are becoming closer to them and helping them, they will help you too and make a difference in your life!

I've been wanting to share this video! Hopefully it applies! It is a great example of how to sacrifice for your spouse and also how to keep your relationship strong! 

Padre, Papa, Father, Dad

A father can have a big role in the family and rearing their children

We've been talking about fathers in class and were also assigned to write a paper on fathers.  While doing the research for my paper, I've been learning alot!! Did you know that father interaction can greatly help their children with their social-emotional, language and intellectual development? On the website, parentsasteachers.org I learned a father can help a child with all of these things.

When it comes to social-emotional development, when a child's emotional responses are acknowledged by their father, and their father helps them address it with a problem-solving approach, the children score higher on emotional intelligence tests.

Father's are a big influence on children's language development. They are more likely than mothers to speak in ways that teach their children about social communication exchanges and challenge their child's developing language abilities.

Fathers help their children with their intellectual development.  Fathers are more likely to expand their child's creative horizons and find new and unexpected ways to play with familiar toys.

I am really grateful for my own father in my life! He has interacted with me and worked really hard to have a close relationship with me throughout my life.  He has been an example to me in many many ways and a friend when I needed one.  He has always taken time out of his own day to play games with me and help me learn and grow! Some people don't have fathers in their lives.  Father like figures can play that role and be beneficial as well. Home teachers and priesthood leaders can often play that role and are there when you need them!

Actions speak louder than words!

It is easy for our different forms of communication, words, tone, and non verbal communication to not match up.

 There is a saying that says, “Actions speak louder than words.”  How very true this is! When we talk about the kinds of communication that we as human beings use, it is reported that 15% of our communication is words, 35% is tone and 51% is through non-verbal.  A majority of our communication is through non-verbal actions.  It is no wonder that we can easily get confused or have misunderstandings through texting.  Not only can you not hear the other persons tone but also, you cannot see their non-verbal actions when you are reading texts.

Sarcasm is another way where miscommunication can come into play.  When one is sarcastic, one usually changes the tone in the voice.  If you don’t know the person very well, whom is being sarcastic, you may think they are being rude and it is very easy to get offended.  One must be very careful when being sarcastic.  There may be truth in every sarcastic remark.  It may be fun and games sometimes but you need to pay attention to when you are using sarcasm, who your audience is and if it clear that you are using sarcasm.

It may be hard for others to understand people who are speech impaired or mute.  They are lacking in the, words, area of communication but you also can’t hear their intended tone, or it may be hard to hear it.  If we have friends, peers, or acquaintances that are speech impaired, we should go the extra mile and do our best to learn to understand and communicate with them.  This may mean learning sign language.

                If we are not speech impaired, we should try all we can to try and match up all our areas of communication and be sure that they complement each other rather than contradict each other. These forms of communication I am talking about are our, words, tone and non-verbal communication like mentioned earlier.  It can be very confusing when someone’s non-verbal communication says one thing but their words and tone says something else.  This can become very frustrating and may appear that they are not being truthful (whether they are or not).  If the areas of your communication don’t always match up, focus on the area that needs improving and constantly work to improve it. 

Thanks for reading my blog!! :) Feel free to comment! :)

Coping With Crises

A crisis can strengthen or bind a family together but only if one knows how to cope or handle the crisis correctly. 

In order for one to properly cope or become stronger from a crisis one must believe in one self.  I crisis can attack your self esteem.  If you believe in yourself when I crisis arises it will help you be able to handle it and after the crisis your self-esteem may even strengthen because you were put through a hard time and made it through.

A crisis may result in self-absorption.   When you are self-absorbed it is hard to think of others outside of yourself.  When you are self-absorbed it is hard to think or help others who may be in need.  One thing you can do to help yourself not be self-absorbed, is to grief with others who may be experiencing the same thing as you.  Make the extra effort to balance both others and yourself.

When you are in a crisis it is easy to see what is in front of you.  It is easy to focus on the here and now.  This kind of thinking can get you in trouble.  One thing that is really helpful in crisis is to reframe or to look at the situation in a different perspective. 

Although crisis seems like a terrible word, it can bind families together!!!

Marital intimacy and avoiding infidility

This week in class we have been discussing marital intimacy and infidelity.  Sexual intimacy is very important within the marriage. Sexual intimacy is a very sacred thing; this is why it should be kept within the bonds of marriage.  Sexual intimacy within the bonds of marriage is very sacred but not necessarily secret, it is just sacred.  We should treat sacred things with great respect and not talk about them lightly!  Sacred things are to stay and be talked about in certain settings.

Infidelity is another topic that has been discussed this week in class.  Poor marital intimacy is one reason that can lead to infidelity but it isn’t the only reason and it does not always lead to infidelity.  If a spouse develops a simple friendship with a member of the opposite sex, if they are not careful it can lead to something more.  We learned this week that when you are married, the only time you really should be talking to a friend of the opposite sex is for school or for work.  If a spouse confides in a friend in an opposite sex, and their feelings are validated and listened to, I know it may sound crazy but there is a big risk of them falling in love with the friend because they validated their feelings. Even Facebook can be dangerous. Avoid having any private conversations with a member of the opposite sex even through Facebook.  Sometimes couples feel more comfortable to conjoin their Facebooks when they are married and each one can clearly see the other spouse’s activity.  

One thing we read about for our reading for class was about stage coaches. I believe it is by President Lee. There were people applying for the job of being a stage coach driver. One drove on the very edge trying to impress the employer.  Another stage coach driver drove as far away from the edge as he could.  The one who got the job was the one that stayed far away from the edge. The one who got the job was the one that stayed the farthest away from the edge.  He was the safest.  We should live our lives like this.  We should not try to see how close to the edge as we can but instead, star as far away as we can from the edge and find the safest way. 

What are some ways to stay away from the edge, stay away from infidelity and keep our marital intimacy strong?  We must communicate with our spouse.  Communication is very important in a marriage. We need to have a family council at least once a week and talk about important things that could be worked on.  We must set our boundaries with others outside of our spouse and talk to each other what the boundaries should be and make an agreement.  Marriage and marital intimacy is an amazing thing! It does however take time, effort, teamwork and a lot of communication

Mawaige is what bwings us togeva today.

This week's topic was marriage and weddings! Woot woot.   This week I am just going to write some points  that are not necessarily connected but I really thought were interesting. I learned  all of these in class this week! Here they are:

• Three things you need to get to know each other when dating and figuring out if you found the right one.

1. Time 2. Togetherness 3. Talk

These things are also known as the "Know Quo" .  When I say togetherness my teacher mentioned engage in a variety of activities.  Do not limit yourselves to movies all of the time.  Find other ways to get to know each other such as do service together or do outdoor activities! You get to know the other person's character so well through service.

• Research shows that you don't begin to know someone til at least the first three months.  This was really interesting to me! One thing that I really enjoy is that you find out something new about a friend or a significant other everyday!
• You need to know someone more than you trust them.  We should not rely on anyone anymore than we trust them.  You should not commit to someone anymore than you rely on them.  Your touch level should not be any higher than your commitment.- R.A.M. model (Relationship Attachment model by John Vanep
• If you are getting marred in the temple focus more on your sealing  than on your reception. In any case whether you get married in the temple or not,  believe the focus should be emphasized on the marriage more than the wedding!

These are just some of the many great  things I have learned this week!! Marriage is a wonderful thing if you put all your time and effort into making it strong and filled with joy!!!

More about the opposite gender.... Dating vs. Hanging Out

This week we talked about hanging out vs. dating.  It's becoming more and more prominent for young adults and teenagers to hang out more than to date.  In one of the, in-class discussions we had this week, it was mentioned that it is possible that the main reason that students here at BYU-Idaho hang out instead of date is commitment.  A majority of girls at BYU-I don't want to start dating pre-missionary boys because they are going on a  mission soon and won't be back for two years. Some girls are afraid to date boys right after they get off their missions because they "are now looking for a wife".  Some of the girls aren't ready for that big of  commitment.

In an article I read for class it encourages going on dates to get to know others,  not necessarily to "find the one".  I believe that if you do this you will find what type of guy or girl you are looking for and "find the one" when you are ready. It says in the article, if the girls let the guys know they are not interested in a serious relationship right away dating is less intimidating!

What is the difference between hanging out and dating you may ask?  My teacher told us that the three p's to   dating are 1. paired off, 2. planned and 3. paid for. If those three p's are not involved it is probably hanging out.  These three p's of dating match up to the three p's of a husbands role to 1.protect, 2. preside, 3. provide.  Paring off matches up with protect, planned matches up to preside, and paid for matches up with provide.  The women's part in all of this is to nurture.  The woman can help ensure or nurture these roles the men have. When these roles of pairing off, planned and paid for in dating are fulfilled and the woman plays her role in nurturing, it can actually help prepare you for marriage.  Who knew?

If you want to get to know the opposite gender better (on individual basis ;) ) and or are looking for a marriage partner, I believe  that dating is the ultimate choice instead of hanging out!!

Dinosaurs and Tu Tu's

Boys are Different Than Girls

"We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." G. Steinham

Whaat?? ….This quote was put up on the board this week in class.  I believe this quote to be very UNTRUE!  Boys and girls are built differently and it was meant to be that way.

 I learned in class that males have tendencies to be more aggressive, be task oriented and also spatially oriented.  Males also have more segmented brains meaning, they think about one thing at a time. Females have different tendencies than males.  Some of female’s tendencies are more compassion and sensitivity, they are more relationship oriented and they are more likely to have a connected brain meaning they link events together. 

There are male tendencies and also female tendencies but this doesn’t mean that every male is very aggressive and every female is very sensitive.  Sensitivity is just most common among females and aggression among males.  These different tendencies play a part in the gender roles that a man and a woman have.  Males typically play a role in the family as to provide, protect, and provide while females typically play a role to nurture, cook and care for the children.  

Does that mean boys should never play with dolls or like the color pink? Even when they are little? Not necessarily.  When boys are little they explore.  They may have sisters that play with dolls and they might join in.  This is not a concern of mine. In my opinion if they play with dolls when they are little, that doesn’t mean they will grow up and become more feminine or less manly. They probably will grow out of it. This does not however mean I will give my child a Barbie for Christmas if he doesn’t ask for it.  If he wants to play with dolls, that’s fine but I will not try and persuade him to play with girl things if he is not interested. 

The discussion we had this week about gender roles was very fascinating.  We each have a role or a part to play in society and in the family.  What is yours?

The Human Race... Ready, Set, Go

In class this week we learned about tolerance and truth.  We should be tolerant of other people and their beliefs, values, cultures and personalities.  Everyone may not believe what we do, or be the same as us, but that does not mean we can't tolerate or respect others values.  We can learn something from just about any culture.  Incorporating aspects from other cultures into our lives may enhance our life experiences and give us different views of our surroundings.

 Being tolerant to other cultures does not, however, mean to be numb to other cultures.  There are bad things to every culture as well. We need to seek truth and research what is uplifting and right.

There are some cultures that may have no truth or good in it such as, the "serial killer" culture.  This "serial killer" culture is something to avoid.  We must tolerate other cultures but first of all seek truth and use careful judgement that we do not become numb to evil things.  We must seek truth for ourselves.  If we are not sure if it is true or not, it is not smart to always rely on other people.  You should research it for yourself if it is true, and if be your belief, pray to find out if it is right.

 As people, we are all equal, no matter what race we are, what religion we practice, or what economic status we are.  After all, as someone in my class said this week,  "There is only one race. The human race!!!"  There is actually a really good children's book called, " Is There Really a Human Race?" by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell.  It is a children's book but I think it is a good read for anyone!! It has a really good message! Go check it out!! (:

Thanks for reading my blog!! Feel free to comment!! Don't forget there is a new post every week! :)

Symbols ?!.,*

This week in class we have been learning about a thing called symbolic systems theory.  This theory is explaining how people have different says or “symbols” that they interact with.  For example it is common for people in parts of Europe to greet each other with kisses on the cheek.  If someone from Europe started kissing someone’s cheek in America they could be taken aback.  Symbolic systems theory can be seen differently in individual families as well.  Some families have an unwritten “rule” that everybody sits in the same place at the dinner table.  If someone sits in the wrong spot then who usually sits there might get upset.  Some other unwritten family “rules” from my own family are.

1) If you want a sweet or a treat, go with dad to the store.  He will buy you one.

2) Don’t say can’t around dad.  He will not let you get away with it and bug you tell you tell him,     “I can do it!’

3) If mom isn’t happy, no one is happy.

4)  If you need help with crafty projects, ask mom to help you! She will know what to do.

Those are just a few of our unwritten “rules” and some ways our family uses the symbolic systems theory!  What are some of your family’s unwritten rules or how have you been a part of the symbolic systems theory?

What does family mean to you?

  Just as a little side note.  I will be writing several posts on this blog that tie in to this course I am taking called Family Relations. (FAML 160).   This course is a study of the family and it's interaction, relationship with the environment, family issues and also family roles.

What does family meant to you?  Family may be viewed differently from person to person.  I will tell you what family means to me. Family means EVERYTHING to me. I am so grateful for my family who have always been my constant companions. I grew up with a loving mother, and father and brothers who have always been my side, especially when I needed them the most.  My family have raised me to develop a sense of right and wrong and have always been great examples! They have taught me how to exceed and excel and do my very best!

Today, the world's view of family is constantly changing. In a class similar to this one called, Family and Community Relations, I was reading in my textbook and it said, "The classic (structural-functional) definition of a family, according to sociologist George Murdock, is ‘ a social group characterized by common residence, economic cooperation, and reproduction.  It includes adults of both sexes, at least two of whom maintain a socially approved sexual relationship, and one or more children (biological or adopted) of the sexually cohabiting adults.’….  Today, relationships that do not conform to Murdock’s definition are more common than those that do…” (Berns, 2008, p 77)

How true that is.  The world's definition of family seems to be constantly changing! In FAML 160 this past week we have been learning about the different trends today that are associated with Family.  Some of those trends include, an increase of employed mothers, Household number is decreasing, cohabitation is increasing, living alone is increasing, people are marrying later and the population rate is declining.

I wouldn't trade the structure of my family, the roles that were played  and the Love that was felt in my family for anything else.  I hope to take after my parents example and have a family of my own someday.  

Thanks for reading my blog!!!! Feel free to leave any comments and stay posted for weekly updates!!  :) 
     

Trying to figure this blog thing out! Here it goes!!

Hi my name is Alyssa. I am doing this blog for Family Relations.  I will update it weekly and post about family, things that inspire me and many other things.